I’m starting to feel that defeat that comes every so often when things are not going the way I want them to. 

I have been feeling defeated as a mother that I cannot stop thinking annoyed thoughts when my children don’t do what I want. My kids are being kids. They want nonstop fun and sugar. It isn’t a part of their schedule to relax for a little bit or obey every time I want them to. 

I feel defeated in my writing. I feel like I have written everything I can. I have been writing everyday for over a year and have had a lot of experiences. I know I will have much more experiences. I know I will go through different trials. As my children grow I will be a part of their unique experiences as well. 

I know growth and more learning will come but I am feeling that doubt and fear of not growing into the person I want to become right now. 

I listened to a small clip from Brooke Castillo about what to do in a crisis. She mentioned that when we don’t know the outcome of our future we tend to give up more quickly. I loved this perspective she gave me by saying that, “if we do what we were set out to do and we fail, then we grew from that experience and then know what we can do differently and how to grow better and stronger.” 

Am I willing to learn?

That was so helpful to my doubtful thoughts right now. 

Before I created this post, I felt the urge to read my scriptures. The scriptures help give me perspective and better light to what I meant to do spiritually.

Doctrine and Covenants 29:35

35. Behold, I gave unto him that he should be an agent unto himself; and I gave unto him commandment, but no temporal commandment gave I unto him, for my commandments are spiritual; they are not natural nor temporal, neither carnal nor sensual.

I felt this scripture speak to my heart because I know that Heavenly Father has encouraged me to follow the commandments. He wants me to follow Him spiritually through His ways and not through the ways of the world. 

I know I am meant to be writing everyday about my spiritual experiences but everyday might not come with something enlightening or powerful. 

Some days might come with less effort. Some days can come with life changing experiences. I believe I have forgotten that.

I will admit I want everyday to come with a powerful spiritual experience but that won’t always happen. 

Those days can be spent without talking with my kids. We are not doing enough to require such an awakening for me. 

I will say that Ronen will always say something profound in prayers or scripture reading. 

Just last night before we went to bed we were reading scriptures on trusting in the Lord. I asked Ronen how we can trust in the Lord. He looked at me and said, “well I trusted the Lord when he was making me. He was going to make me great so I can do great things on earth.”

My son always blows my mind. That was a great experience for me. My spirit was lifted and all I could do was smile at him and tell him he was right. 

He brought some meaning to help me remember that as we are living in our mortal bodies the most spiritual we can we will be able to put full trust in the Lord and live to do great things on the earth. 

I am my own agent. I am living an earthly experience wanting to grow spiritually through the commandments that are set forth by my Heavenly Father.

I am also aspiring to express my spiritual experiences through writing. My experiences will not always come with faith building moments. They will, however, come with the full purpose of heart, love, and me trying to grow as a mother. 

Feeling the weight on my shoulders

I am having a day where I can feel the weight on my shoulders to inspire greatness and change when it’s just a day where I speak kindness and be understanding to my children. 

It also feels like that is going against me as well. 

Doctrine and Covenants 29:39

39. And it must needs be that the devil should tempt the children of men, or they could not be agents unto themselves; for if they never should have bitter they could not know the sweet—

I will tell you that if it wasn’t for me feeling defeated right now while writing I wouldn’t have been reminded of my son’s faith. I wouldn’t have remembered his spiritual influence when we were talking about trusting in the Lord. 

I know that this earth life is meant to bring us closer to our Savior, Jesus Christ. As I trust Him and follow the commandments of Heavenly Father I will be able learn and grow from my failures. I will be better because of them. 

I am not defeated. I am learning from my fears and growing despite my failures.

I will not be defeated when I….

Pray: I have never felt defeated when I am on my knees expressing my deepest desires to my Father in Heaven. I know He is aware of my thoughts. He wants me to use my agency and call upon Him in every thought and deed. 

Believe in myself: I know that I am apt to fail at many things. I’m also destined to succeed at many things. The key is…if I see myself as a failure with my thoughts and believe it then I wouldn’t feel the need to keep growing. If I believe in myself I won’t see my failures to be a failure or a reason to quit. I am my main cheerleader. If I relied on everyone else’s idea of success then it wouldn’t be personal to me and I wouldn’t believe in my own personal purpose. 

When you know your purpose and believe in yourself and believe in what you can contribute in life, the outside sources and everyone’s idea of success won’t be a major factor in your life. 

You are worth believing. You are worth adding great worth. I believe that in myself.

Acknowledge my blessings: 

  • I am blessed to live my life with my agency and my purpose.
  • I am blessed to have a healthy brain and body
  • I am blessed to have the most wonderful husband
  • I am blessed to have a wonderful family
  • I am blessed to live in a free country
  • I am blessed to practice the faith I want to believe
  • I am blessed to get outside and witness nature’s beauty everyday
  • I am blessed to have food at my fingertips
  • I am blessed to have a warm home with everything I need
  • I am blessed to have wonderful friends and family
  • I am blessed to have an education
  • I am blessed to express my words and thoughts to you

These three remind me that I am not yet defeated and don’t need to choose to be. 

My failures don’t define me unless I allow them to. I can learn from my failures and grow to become better and the person I believe I am meant to be to fulfill my spiritual purpose. 

Ronen knows his purpose. He trusted the Lord to design him for greatness and to make the world great. I believe we all have that power to do the same. I believe for me as I trust the Lord, pray, believe in myself, and acknowledge my blessings I will contribute more. 

I need to remember that defeat is a choice. Things are not always going my way. I might not have the experience I want every day. With a full purpose of heart and trusting in the Lord I will experience spiritual moments that will defeat my doubts and grow my spirit. 

I can trust in that.

About Author

My name is Brianna Marshall. I was born in Dayton, Ohio into a Air Force family. We moved to Colorado Springs, CO when I was 5 years old and lived there till I moved off to College to Orem, Utah in 2007. I was raised into The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I'm still actively practicing the same faith today. I graduated from Utah Valley University with a Bachelors in Communications. I was married to my husband Dom in 2010 in the San Diego Temple. Dom and I have two children, one a boy, named Ronen, and a girl, named Ryen. I have been in and out of teaching physical fitness for over 10 years. I love to run and weight lift most days of the week. I also love to do yoga at night to calm me down before bed. I have always had a love for baked goods. My mom made a great dessert every Sunday and made them upon request growing up. I have always been really well at expressing my thoughts and feelings. I love to express a lot of my spiritual feelings with friends and family. As a young girl, I worked really hard to have a great relationship with my Father in Heaven. I have felt His presence from the time I was 8 and currently still feel his love and desire for me to become closer to Him. I desire to be a missionary as well as help others understand His love for all of His children. I find that being friendly, understanding and being compassionate to everyone is the best example of His son, Jesus Christ. I strive to follow His teachings. I also stumble with all of it. I'm so grateful for the atonement and repentance when I'm in need of change of heart and a compassionate spirit. I find life to be so beautiful and I'm grateful everyday for the experiences I have. I am a wife, mother, daughter of God, writer, runner, baker, and an imperfect being striving to be the best me.

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